Pondering.

One of the books I started reading this week is "The Jesus Creed" by Scot McKnight. I've only read the first couple chapters, but one of the things the book encourages is to allow the Lord's Prayer to become the framework for our conversations with God. So today I tried it. Everything was sailing smoothly until I arrived at "Forgive us of our sins just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us". I felt like I had been clotheslined. I didn't realize the jungle of unforgiveness I had been stumbling through. Forgiveness, in light of the darkness of real pain and heartache, floods me with questions. Here's a piece of my meandering mind this afternoon- maybe you've traveled this way before:

You mean forgive even if they don't think they need forgiveness? Even if they won't change because I forgave them? Even if they are the meanest, nastiest person I know? Do you KNOW who I'm talking about, Father?! Even though they're hurting the people I love the most? Even if they'll never know how much pain they've caused, how many tears have been shed because of them? Even if I'm in China, a million miles away and I won't see them again for a long time? Does it matter? I can't do anything from here anyway. You know what's going on here, God! When you said be kind, be forgiving of others- you actually meant this situation too? You couldn't have? Even in the midst of the mess they're making??? Doesn't forgiveness come at the end not inbetween?? You mean today? Is it okay if I have to do it all over again everyday until it's full in my heart? I don't know if what I can offer today will be enough. I'll probably have to come back again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day, and the next...is that alright, or does that mean its less genuine? I wonder what healing looks like on the other side of it all?
I am not there yet. But I'm feeling this tug that it's where I should be aiming to be. So help me Father- help me have your heart of grace. Do you have these questions when you're thinking about us? How about me? Thank you for being love in all its completeness- and help me to get there and give up the negotiating when it comes to grace. You've never negotiated anything with me.

I liked something I read in Anne Lamott's "Plan B" today. She writes well of the journey of forgiveness:
"Any willingness to let go inevitably comes from pain; and the desire to change changes you, and jiggles the spirit, gets to it somehow, to the deepest, hardest, most ruined parts. And then Spirit expands, because that is its nature, and it drags along the body, and finally, the mind."

And on a sidenote, if you're reading this and know the story of A & A, please pray for them today. If you need/want more details, send me an email.

That concludes today's pondering- a slightly altered tone in comparison to recent posts. But I didn't really think about the solidified pig's blood served for lunch (I draw the line at blood) or the psycho driving in this country today, I thought about forgiveness.